Deny Deny Deny

Column #3 (Originally published in Rugby, Vol. 21, No. 11, December 18, 1995)
By: Joe Lunievicz

Tell me if you've heard this before.

"She went ballistic on me. I don't know what's wrong with her. She came to the first three games. You saw her. She seemed like she was having a good time. She even went to the parties after. Am I right? And now she just went crazy. That's why I missed last week's game, you know. She says she never sees me - I'm always going to practice. I only go to one practice a week as it is. So I told her today. This is it. This is who I am. If you don't like it, tough. If you want to see me on Saturdays, you know where I'll be. I told her. I'll be back tonight after the game. You know, you just gotta put them in their place when it comes to these things. If you don't you're lost. I don't need this kind of aggravation. You know what I mean?"

Wouldn't you like to hear her side of the story?

I didn't think so.

Why is it rugby players have such a difficult time with women? Is it because women just don't understand the male athletic mentality? Is it because they don't understand the need to hit and be hit by other men within the laws of a socially sanctioned athletic contest? There is a few thousand years of social history in place to back that one up. But then rugby players are not known for their use of a library card or for their reliance upon history outside of the history of their club and who hasn't paid their dues lately.

What about this one. I'll let you figure out who's who.

"You're going to play what again?"

"Rugby."

"I thought you said you weren't going to play anymore? That you'd quit. That those guys you played with weren't anything but a bunch of lemon-headed, clueless losers, without intelligence, and probably intent on killing themselves."

"I said that?"

"You did."

"Was I sober at the time?"

"You were."

"Well... things have changed."

"What do you mean?"

"Some of them have gotten better."

"You're kidding me."

"Well they're not all bad."

"You said... "

"I just have to play again. That's it. End of discussion."

"Why do you want to play again?"

"I don't know. I just do."

What do you think? Rugby... because. He could have talked about the camaraderie. He could have talked about male bonding. He could have talked about the penis theory (you know - the more injuries you've received and can talk about at the bar after the game, the longer your penis is. Size is important.).

If you listened to us talk at the bar after practice or games, or if you've ever been on tour with us you might think the only thing that would make a rugby player happy would be a lap dancer for a wife. Sex without meaningful conversation... for life.

I wonder about these things.

I once told my girlfriend that the season was only eight weeks long. I forgot to add in the two months of pre-season practice, the summer of sevens games and tournaments, and that there were two seasons for league play, one in the fall and the other in the spring. She figured it out pretty quickly. I'm still paying for that one.

Still, with all these hurdles many of us have actually gone on to have real, mature, relationships with women and in some cases, some of us have even married. In other words we've found women who for one reason or another, tolerate us and the sport of rugby together.

Got a problem with intimate relationships? Can't figure out why you crash and burn again and again? Do what men have done for ages; deny, deny, deny.